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Free fallin’

July 11, 2006

How long has it been since the last time I wrote? I can’t remember… the thoughts, they are so jumbled and twisted, a mass of writhing lethal serpents swarming the fissures of my mind, hissing as I balance myself precariously on a ledge, looking desperately for a way out of my head… everywhere I turn I meet jagged walls stacked with pincers of memories waiting to rent me to shreds. The future I know is a turn I left far behind—I catch glimpses now and then of what could have been, and the promise of a tomorrow I let fade away is a constant knife turning in my breast… I cannot find the key to unlock the dreams of my past, the guardian of the doorway no longer recognizes me and I am stranded, suspended in time, as I see a past that could have been my future fade slowly away while I battle the serpents of my present. How many lives can someone live in a lifetime, I wonder… torn and fragmented, I pull my blanket of lies and intrigue closer, hoping for some respite from the Siberian winds that howl across the landscape of my mind—lies and intrigue make for a poor weave and I am chilled to the bones, nearly frozen and barely able to breathe. Maybe the fall is what I have been looking for… maybe I don’t have to be so afraid anymore… maybe, the only way around is through it… and I let go, falling through the chasm—the hissing gets louder and more insistent, a note of hysterical anticipation creeping into it… the air is humid and reptilian with the stench of countless slithering bodies of thought… the fall is swift, sucking me deeper into the abyss until I can feel the sharp edge of memories tearing at my drape of intrigue, clawing at my hands and feet until blood is drawn in a steady stream… I am free falling…

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