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Goodbyes are never easy…

March 31, 2006

“I work all day, and get half drunk at night.
Waking at four to soundless dark, I stare.
In time the curtain edges will grow light.
Till then I see what’s really always there:
Unresting death, a whole day nearer now…

…Slowly light strengthens, and the room takes shape.
It stands plain as a wardrobe, what we know,
Have always known, know that we can’t escape
Yet can’t accept. One side will have to go…”

—“Aubade” by Philip Larkin

One side will have to go… the words jumped up and screamed at me, and I knew the death knoll had been struck. The curtains were falling on an era… two years of my life—how could just two years have had such a profound impact on me? But there was no denying it, my life had been touched and altered in these two years…

I remember pulling into Jamshedpur on a hot June day at noon, wondering what life had in store for me… wondering if I would fit in, if I would find people I could trust and connect with… a child-woman of twenty, thrust out too early into the world. I started from home alone, but life has a way of evening things out—when I got off at Jamshedpur, I wasn’t alone anymore. I had found a friend…

It’s funny how life is made up of little moments and memories—when I look back on the years, tiny nuggets of memories creep up under my eyelids and for a while I am lost in the surreal world of what was and what could have been…

They say the lowest moment in your life is when you start questioning your sense of self. But I wondered, was destruction always for the worse? Maybe the tearing down of the individual is necessary to reveal the myriad possibilities that otherwise tend to stay veiled… if I hadn’t cried those night, I might never have known the joy of genuine laughter. Or are these just platitudes we utter to ourselves during our darkest hour?

You might wonder why I speak of faith in this context… but the truth is, no matter how self-sufficient one learns to be, the soul always longs for a companion, a friend who understands without any explanations, who believes in you when you question yourself… who has faith in the basic goodness of human nature, at the very least in yours.

Today, I reconnected with just such a friend, someone I’d lost to the crowds. We’d walked in hand in hand, not sure what lay ahead but ready to face it together—somehow the crowds has disoriented us and pulled us apart. Maybe the fault was his, maybe mine… or maybe, neither of us knew better. But our separate paths merged again as we were getting ready to leave these portals… and I knew I’d never lost faith, not once during those two years.

The funny thing about friendship is, it never dies out… a connection once made lasts a lifetime—sometimes, all one needs is the courage to reach out…

That is what both startles and delights me about human relationships—they are, at the same time, so fragile that a moment’s trespass could sever them and yet so strong that a single gesture could revive the dying embers…

So here’s to all the souls that touched mine on this journey, especially to my first set of friends at XL… we may have drifted apart and not always found the time to say we care, but I believe what we shared was special—I will look back with fondness on the days that were and with longing for the days that could have been… meanwhile, know that I care, and that wherever you are, you will always have a friend in me… all you need to do is reach out.

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6 comments

  1. Its never easy, saying goodbye to those two years that you spend in the place called XLRI Jamshedpur. You too would have taken a lot back from – friends, memories and a small nook in your heart would be taken forever. Lets meet sometime on the road called life , maybe when you land in Mumbai. Where have you joined ?


  2. thanks abhilasha. i’ve been here many times but never left a comment. i find some of the expressions tought o understand, but they’re all beautiful all the same.


  3. Hmmmm……


  4. Must say, You write extremely well. So, what do we have here, a Shobha De in the making..

    Sachin Malik


  5. They are as fragile or as strong as the people they exist between.

    If a momentary trespas can break something, it wasn’t meant to be there in the first place.


  6. I love you, Lasha :*



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