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In adagio

May 4, 2005

The tears and the anguish, they form the core of me… vast seas of nothingness that have long swallowed all that was unique and individual, drawing together in a wavering mirror that lets you glimpse at vaguely familiar shadows on the swell.

Those are reflected bits of your soul you spy in the ripples… that is all that is left of me now, myriad reflections that come and go, transient emotions that hold you in their sway for the moment… but remember, it is only for the moment, come nightfall and maybe you can see a sliver of me, in the darkness around you, in the silence that speaks so eloquently, in the gentle murmur of deep black waters, always moving, always changing and yet so unchanged… there is eons of memories and lifetimes hidden in my depths and yet to the untrained eye all is tranquil.

The flux of living moments is the only constant for me… in the cryptic pearls of changing moods and moments my life is captured, composed of nuggets of memories and a relentless quest for an elusive state of mind some call peace… from the past to the present and thence to the future, jumping from memory to memory in the moment, drawing together a whole new lifetime even as I am living one… in the blink of an eye, I live a thousand lies and yet the moments seem empty somehow… empty, that’s how I feel, maybe that’s how I am… vast tracts of empty space within, and some lost fragments trying to find their way painfully and vainly to each other or to the fetal waters they fondly recall as being their ‘home’…

I don’t belong anywhere, there is no one and no place that draws me to itself and keeps me bound… a stranger in a strange land, a wandering minstrel, here but for the moment, I have roamed far and wide—in planes material, emotional and spiritual… and each niche I carve for myself, each space in time I dare to call my own, I have had to abandon, for the siren call of the unknown is beyond me to defy… the restlessness and nomadic element is the dominant force in my life, maybe the only living force in me—and all of my life is lived by the dictates of this.

What promises can the night wind make? Permanence and constancy are facets foreign to her very nature… but, as to everything else in the universe, there is a natural rhythm to her, a pattern that is consistent over time—you may not be able to chain and bind the night wind, but read the signs and you can tell when she will hold you in her arms again, lead your life as your own and think of her gently… she may not share your every breath but she will be back, and on moonlit nights when your heart is overfull she will caress your tired form and carry your whisper as secrets she will keep for eternity… in adagio, in adagio always, she will do the eternal dance, ceaseless motion and fluid form, thoughts in Euclidean planes that refuse to intersect and yet will never be parallel, emotions that fail to be captured in language, a meter of her own as she exists in a dimension alien to yours, descending sometimes to tease your soul before her wandering spirit takes her on other quests to mystic lands in other dreams…

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One comment

  1. Wow!That felt like a rhythmic ride on a catamaran over the ocean waves slowly swept by the adagio!

    The constant theme in your blogs seems to be the locked self,locked hopes,the daily death of living a life that you dont approve of..that you didnt choose..but for some reason you have decided to be a witness of it!(ofcourse..all this is speculation).I think it’s time to be selfish and liberate urself!Just follow my profile pic and do and say what u really think without worrying about what other’s might feel!



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