Whom God has brought together, let no man put asunder.. Amen

Moments and memories… the very same things that hold our world together also bind us irrevocably to it. No matter how hard I try, I cannot get far enough from my own thoughts… nor any closer. To get over something traumatic in one’s life, one has to either get as far away as possible, letting time provide a measure of sanity, or immerse oneself completely in one’s grief and live through it. To be able to do neither is akin to carrying a dagger that won’t quite plunge the heart and end it all, nor twist loose… you bleed agonizingly slowly, never able to let go of the anguish or block it from the conscious. The pain is dull and constant, pricking with every thought… never seeming serious enough to others nor trivial enough to oneself. A state of suspended animation, if you will…

This anguish is the one constant in my life… people come and go, leaving myriad footprints, never quite able to see the core of me… and through it all, my pain keeps me company… the void inside, it is my gift to myself–an emptiness where I can be myself, without waves of contempt and derision washing over me…

The overwhelming need I have to give–it is, in some ways, an overcompensation for my inability to receive… when I say I have no expectations, that you are free to walk in or out of my life, maybe it is my way of saying don’t have any expectations of me… I fear receiving anything, for it could just as easily be taken away–that has happened far too often, too many daggers of anguish are plunged into my heart, I cannot even begin to comprehend the impact of another real loss…